The Lost Files from Daria's laptop
by Kairan1979
Summary: This is simply a collection of drabbles and one-shots written in the Dariaverse.
1. The Military Chick

"Uh-oh," Jane muttered. "Trouble at two o'clock."  
>"What's the matter?" Tom Sloane was curious. He never saw his girlfriend so nervous.<br>"Nothing. Let's just get out of there."  
>"Jane, I'm not going..."<br>"Please, Tom!" Jane was almost begging.  
>When they were outside the club and Rustmobile started with a cough, Tom turned to Jane, "So what's the big deal? You looked like you saw a horde of hungry zombies."<br>"Worse. I've seen Military Club."  
>"Come again?"<br>"Military Club," Jane said through clenched teeth.  
>It took a lot of time and prodding to convince Jane to talk. According to her, a new girl who just moved to Lawndale from Texas, was pressured by her parents into joining one of the clubs. But she wasn't interested in anything Lawndale High could offer. Instead she started her own club.<br>"I don't understand what's so special with a bunch of boys and girls practicing hand-to-hand combat and shooting each other with paintball guns?"  
>"<em>Girls<em>. It's girls only club. That's how she convinced Lee in the first place - she used Mrs. Barch as mediator."  
>At first the new club wasn't noticed by the majority of students, but then the head cheerleader Brittany Taylor shocked everybody by throwing away her pom-poms and joining Military Club.<br>Jane finished with lopsided smile, "Cheerleading squad is still fighting for her former position. But Brittany is as popular as before, even more. I have to admit - guys really dig chicks in uniform."  
>His eyes grew wider as Jane recounted the accomplishments of Military Club. The most impressive were the visit of mercenary General Conroy, the destruction of Fashion Club (it imploded after Stacy Rowe was caught reading Sun Tsu) and the arrest of Principal Lee after Military Club secretly gathered the evidence of her embezzling school funds.<br>"Fascinating. What about the girl who started it?" Tom felt there's more.  
>Jane's voice was colorless as she replied, "Her name is Daria Morgendorffer. She was my best friend."<br>"Was?"  
>"I had a choice - my art or the duties as Coordination Officer. I thought Daria understood that art is my life. She is a writer, if she can't understand, who can?"<br>"Let me guess. She couldn't."  
>"She kicked me out of the Club, I became even bigger outcast than before, and she refused to tutor me at math anymore. Thanks to her I had C+' with occasional B's, now I'm struggling with C'."<br>Jane looked at Tom, her blue eyes were red. She had been crying.  
>"I'm tired, Tom, I'm so tired. And I'm scared. Daria is stubborn as mule and vengeful. Everything is black and white, with us or against us. What if she decides to make an example of me? What if something happens to Trent?"<br>"Is she really that bad?"  
>"Her grandfather was Mad Dog Morgendorffer, and the apple doesn't fall far from tree."<br>On the other side of parking lot a pair of eyes was watching Jane and her boyfriend intently. "Dire" Daria Morgendorffer felt a twinge of regret.  
><em>Regret is a weakness you can't afford. You can't be weak. You are Morgendorffer.<em>  
>"Traitor!" she heard the hiss of "Blondie" Brittany Taylor, Vice-President of Military Club. "What are we gonna do about her, D?"<br>"Nothing. Fear is a powerful weapon; Lane is already a nervous wreck. I doubt we'll see her at graduation ceremony."  
>"Graduation?" Andrea Hecuba, the Intelligence Officer, chuckled. "Fat chance. I've heard from my mole in self-esteem class that Lane flunked her math test... again."<br>"Serves her right! Traitor!" Brittany's blue eyes were full of righteous anger.  
>"We are NOT talking about Lane anymore," Daria ordered, "Hecuba, keep an eye on her, just in case. I want the anniversary of Military Club to be flawless. Granddad promised to come and see it."<br>Military Club was ecstatic and unaware of a whirlwind of emotions behind their leader's steel mask.  
><em>I'm true Morgendorffer, not a spineless coward like my father. No weakness, no hesitation, no emotions to cloud your judgment. <em>

_I'll make Granddad proud._

* * *

><p><em><strong>Author's Note<strong>: this short story was response to Iron Chef's challenge Mad Dog Gets Therapy._


	2. Goddess of Sarcasm

Jane accused Daria, "You don't care about what happened. You've been treating it like, 'Oh, well, another stupid day'. The guy died, Daria!"

Daria fired back, "I know he died! But don't pretend he was he was some great person when he wasn't. Everybody hated Tommy Sherman and wished something bad to happen to him. I felt it in my bones – their frustration, their anger, their _misery_," She shrugged nonchalantly, "And the wish came true."

"What the hell you are talking about?"

Daria gave Jane one of her Mona Liza smiles, "C'mon, Jane, Tommy Sherman killed on the day of his triumphant return to Lawwwndale High? Smashed by the _goalpost_? Do you really believe it was an accident? Can't you sense the trademark irony of one and only Daria Morgendorffer?"

Daria straightened up, and for the first time since they met in self-esteem class, Jane finally saw the green jacket for what it really was. Battle armor.

* * *

><p>When Daria discarded her 'plain girl' disguise, Jane was fighting an itch to grab her brushes and start painting. Her <em>amiga<em> looked almost inhumanely beautiful.

"You know the story of Heracles' birth? Zeus disguised himself as Alcmene's husband to sleep with her? That's my story in a nutshell."

"So you are, um…" Jane coughed, fighting the image of Helen Morgendorffer embraced by the Father of Gods. It was just too awkward.

"Goddess?" Daria let out a bitter laugh, "No. I'm half-woman, half-goddess. I'm not even immortal until I drink ambrosia."

"What about Quinn? Is she half-goddess too?"

_It could certainly explain why all the boys in her vicinity lose their minds. _

"Quinn was sent by Hera to torment me. That old hag really hates it when her husband is cheating." Daria sighed, "Prometheus was a lucky guy; all he had to endure is a giant eagle eating his liver on daily basis."

* * *

><p><em><strong>Author's Note<strong>: this short story was response to Iron Chef's challenge Goddess of Sarcasm._


	3. Knight in Shining Glasses

"Congratulations, you must have worked out a lot to become such a colossal jerk so quickly".

"You know, it's not in my rulebook to hit a chick, but you are asking for it, Miss Smart Mouth."

Daria waited, expecting Tommy Sherman to make the first move so she could use ultra-strength pepper spray and claim self-defense.

"Excuse me. I don't think it's very gentlemanly of you," Tommy turned in surprise and saw the geekiest-looking geek he ever saw.

"Whoa, Velma has an admirer!" Tommy sneered, "You want to take her place?"

"Sure," the polite smile never left the boy's face. Daria mentally facepalmed; _so much for my foolproof "Let's Get Rid of Tommy Sherman" plan_.

"Listen, maybe you should…" she never had a chance to finish.

Former star of Lawndale Lions raised a fist to swat a nerd away like a fly, but his arm was caught and the next thing Tommy knew he was tossed into the air and onto the ground. The Geeky Boy kept smiling, enraging the football player. Tommy got up and charged again, but the bespectacled boy sidestepped and knocked the football player's legs from under him, then quickly twisted his arms behind his back.

"Hey!" Tommy was struggling, trying to get up, but to no avail. The Geek's grip was surprisingly strong.

"What the hell is going on here?" Ms. Li yelled from the end of the corridor.

"Oh, Ms. Li, you have a perfect timing. What happened there? I'm sure your security cameras captured everything," Daria answered, giving Principal one of her trademark Mona Lisa smiles. "Should I call my Mom in case I need some legal counsel?"

"My dad was right," the blonde kid complained, "High School IS messed up."

Tommy Sherman just grunted, still unable to get up.

* * *

><p>"…And that's how your Dad and I got together," Daria DeWitt-Clinton finished the story, smiling faintly, then noticed that her daughter was already asleep.<p>

* * *

><p><em><strong>Author's Note<strong>: this story was a response to Iron Chef's challenge "…And that's how your dad and I got together"._


	4. Sandi's Advertising Campaign

Sandi Griffin was fuming.

"_Find some other way to feel?" That's what I've got for ten dollars?_

Bad enough the whole school was turning upside down because of some football player guy. She couldn't complain about Fluffy's accident without Mr. O'Neill looking at her as if she had something to do with stupid goalpost falling on that idiot's head. To add insult to injury, Sandi was conned by some unpopular chick she'll never talk to in normal circumstances.

_Find some other way to feel._

Sandi knew how she felt right now. She felt extremely angry. And for once, her anger wasn't directed towards _Quinn_ Morgendorffer.

* * *

><p>Brooke was bewildered, "Ten bucks? For the <em>advice<em>?"

Sandi waved her hand dismissively, "That's, like, best ten bucks I've ever spent. You should try it too, Brooke."

"Why can't I ask you?"

"Because you are miserable, and she is, like, a Misery Chick. That's, like, right down her alley."

"But… but… she is so unpopular!"

"Brooke, she is a _brain_. If she was popular, she'll hate it," Sandi explained with more patience than she felt to possess.

She figured it out after a long and careful observation of Quinn's cousin (while making sharp comments about Fashion Don'ts to avoid the suspicion). The idea of a girl who can dress up like a scarecrow and go through the humiliation of O'Neill's Self-Esteem Class _deliberately_, just to become unpopular was ridiculous at first. It contradicted everything Sandi fought for. But just as ridiculous was to see Goth Chick with her Dracula makeup and a burlap sack she called a dress, or Art Chick, with horrible boots and creepy paintings.

As soon as Sandi came to a better understanding of what makes Daria the Super-Brain tick, she knew what to do.

"But…" Brooke was quickly running out of "buts."

Sandi found the unexpected ally in Brittany. The cheerleader overheard their conversation and squeaked how smart Daria was, and how she helped her to master one-point perspective.

_So that's why she was at your party. Good to know._

Brittany's intervention finally got Brooke convinced. She left to seek Misery Chick for the advice. Sandi smiled. Brooke was annoying and pathetic, so let her be Misery Chick's problem at once.

Soon after getting rid of Brooke, Sandi found another target. Or three targets, to be precise.

"Hey, Joey, Jeffrey, Jamal?"

"It's Jamie."

"Whatever. I've heard Quinn went on date with Randy, and not one of you guys?"

Jamie accused, "That must be something Joey did."

"Me? It's Jeffrey's fault! He brought her Ultra Cola when she asked for diet soda."

"No, it's Joey's fault. He tried to save money by inviting Quinn to…"

Sandi clapped to stop the upcoming fight, "Enough! Shouldn't you, like, find out what exactly Quinn wants from her boyfriend?"

"Whoa! I didn't think about it!"

"This is so smart!"

"Yeah!"

"Yeah!"

"You know, there's that girl, Quinn's cousin or whatever."

Three J's nodded, not sure where this is heading.

"They are living in the same house, after all. Why don't you ask _her_ about Quinn?"

After another round of appraise (_I can get used to it_, Sandi thought), she added, "But I have to warn you, guys. She started charging for the advice lately. I hope you don't run out of cash."

Sandi's warning fell on deaf ears, just as she expected. Money wasn't much of an issue for Three J's, not when Quinn was concerned.

After dealing with J's, Sandi had similar talk with Tori Jericho. She thought the popularity arbiter would be harder to convince, but Tori proved to be as gullible as the others.

* * *

><p>Half listening to Stacy's blabbering, Sandi enjoyed the view of Misery Chick leaning against her locker. Daria looked more tired and annoyed than ever.<p>

Sandi may not be an expert at all the school stuff Quinn's weird cousin knew, but she knew how to make a rumor mill work. And this was _much_ more important.

Misery Chick was in no-win situation. Either her advice backfires, and people start questioning if she is really as smart as she claimed, or she'll be known all over the school as a moneygrabber, making bucks of other student's suffering.

_I win either way. _

**The End**

* * *

><p><strong>Author's Note: <strong>_this short story was a response to Iron Chief's challenge Sandi Triumphant_


End file.
